Who taught you that? The Beliefs You Never Chose... But Still Live By.

Before we get into the deep stuff, I want to honor someone incredibly important to me — my dad.

He passed away in 2022 from heart disease, and even though I’ve experienced a lot of loss in my life, his death hit me the hardest. And I’ve got to be honest — that truth doesn’t always sit well with people. But it’s mine.

We had a complicated relationship. There was love, of course. But there was also resentment… and a lot that went unsaid. We didn’t talk about the hard things. There was no point in opening up old wounds, especially once we had settled into a version of peace.

But I want to tell you about the version of him that I still hold onto — the version that existed before my stepmother came along. He was fun. He made things feel special, even when we had very little. He’d make pancakes bigger than the plate. We had this little routine where we’d go out at night with a flashlight after wetting the grass to hunt for night crawlers for fishing. On Fridays, he’d take me to breakfast before school — just the two of us. When my friends came over, he’d pop popcorn without the lid so we could try and catch it. It was simple, silly, and unforgettable.

When he remarried, everything changed. My stepmother didn’t like me, and I knew it — even if she pretended otherwise. She didn’t want my dad having a relationship with me unless she was present, watching, controlling. Between the two of them, there were four boys — her two sons, my two older brothers — and then there was me. The youngest. The only girl. The outsider.

I never felt like I belonged. And the worst part? My dad went along with it. He’d sneak me little gifts or moments of kindness, but they always felt like secrets. Like I was something to be hidden. That hurt more than anything.

We did rebuild some of our relationship as adults. He lived in another state and called often. But we never talked about those things. The things I held inside. The things I thought I’d one day bring up… when the time was right.

In 2022, he went into the hospital with heart issues. Because of a COVID diagnosis (that I honestly question to this day), they wouldn’t let us see him. I never got to say goodbye.

The last time I saw him was Father’s Day 2017. We had a great time. And in that visit, he didn’t have to say a word — I could feel how much he loved me. I could feel his regret. I wish I had said something more. I wish I could’ve done something different.

But after his death, and through my healing journey, I finally began to understand. My dad and I were so much alike. He feared conflict. He feared being alone. He wanted to keep the peace, even if it meant sacrificing his connection with me. And those small gestures? That was his version of standing up for me. It just didn’t feel that way at the time.

This is not an actual picture of me and my dad. I wish that I had one though.

So if there’s someone in your life where the love feels messy… where resentment and silence have built walls… I gently invite you to ask yourself:

Could they have just been doing the best they knew how?
Is it possible they didn’t have the tools, the capacity, or the awareness to do better?

It doesn’t mean your pain wasn’t valid. It just means — maybe it’s time to stop blaming, and start understanding.

The Blueprint We Didn’t Ask For

This whole episode — and blog — is about origin stories. Not the superhero kind. The real kind. The kind that explains why we move the way we move, react the way we react, and feel the way we feel.

Most of us are walking around with a 7-year-old version of ourselves running the show.

You learned how to exist in the world by watching the people around you. You absorbed more than just words — you took in tone, silence, energy, reactions, and unspoken rules.

Subconscious Beliefs We Adopt in Childhood:

💔 About Ourselves:

“I’m not good enough unless I’m perfect.”
“My feelings are too much.”
“I’m only lovable when I’m useful.”
“I have to do everything myself.”

🔗 About Relationships:

“Love equals chaos or control.”
“If I get close, I’ll get hurt.”
“If I trust someone, they’ll leave.”

⚠️ About Safety and the World:

“Good things don’t last.”
“I have to stay on guard.”
“Rest is weakness.”
“Success makes me a target.”

And then these beliefs show up in adulthood like:

Burnout
People-pleasing
Fear of being seen
Overachieving
Self-sabotage
Numbing out with food, alcohol, shopping, scrolling…

I remember being 12, watching the adults in my life completely fall apart, and thinking, “I guess it’s up to me to hold everything together.” That belief followed me into adulthood until I faced it head-on.

When the Beliefs Are Good Ones

Not every childhood was traumatic. Some people were raised in love. In regulation. In safety. And from that, they developed beliefs like:

“I am enough.”
“My voice matters.”
“Rest is allowed.”
“It’s safe to be me.”

That kind of upbringing builds emotional intelligence and confidence. And if that’s your story, I celebrate you. Use that foundation to hold space for those still learning. Be the calm in their storm.

If You Don’t Break the Cycle…

Here’s where it gets real. If you don’t challenge those subconscious beliefs, you will repeat them.

You’ll:

Burn out from trying to be everything for everyone.
Settle for emotionally unavailable partners.
Fear calm because chaos feels normal.
Panic during peace.
Numb out instead of feel.

I lived in survival mode for so long — just trying to keep the peace. Until I realized that peace isn’t something you keep by abandoning yourself.

And if you don’t heal it? You pass it on.

Parenting While Healing

I don’t have kids. But I was one — a very intuitive one.

Kids see everything. They feel everything. More than we give them credit for. You parent not just with words, but with your nervous system. If you’re always on edge, they feel it. If you shut down emotionally, they learn to do the same.

But you don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be present.

Say:

“I’m still learning.”
“I’m sorry. Let’s try again.”
“That wasn’t my best moment.”

Modeling accountability is more powerful than pretending you’ve got it all together.

And please — respect your children. If you want their respect, give it first. That’s how they learn what to expect in relationships. If you mess up, don’t let pride step in just because you’re the adult. Show them how to apologize. That’s not weakness — that’s leadership.

How to Rewrite the Story

Step 1: Awareness — What beliefs are you carrying that aren’t really yours? Step 2: Compassion — Your younger self did what they had to do to survive. Step 3: Intention — Practice new thoughts, responses, and behaviors. Step 4: Repair — With your kids, your partner, your past, yourself.

Final Thoughts

You didn’t choose the beliefs you were raised with. But now? You get to choose what stays — and what ends with you.

This is hard work, yes. But living stuck in pain that isn’t yours? That’s harder.

So whether you're doing it for you, for your children, or for the generations after you — keep going.

Keep healing. Keep growing. Keep breaking the cycle.

Until next time… love deeper, pause longer, and trust the version of you that’s doing the work — even when it’s messy.